Lessons in Overcoming and Seeking Strength

2016 was the year of the biggest change in my entire life. I moved half-way across the world leaving the only home I’d ever know. Among so many other reasons – what made it so tough was physically tearing myself apart from my parents and sister who are MY WORLD. So as expected year one was rough. But also a very busy one. At 30 it was finally my time to learn to live as an adult with responsibilities – renting an apartment, paying multiple bills and weekly meal plans. What eased me into this transition was my work at Amazon. With my previous 6.5 years’ experience with Amazon in Chennai – stepping into Amazon Canada was like going back home. Although living in Canada was alien to me, there was a familiarity and warmth when I stepped into Amazon, right from my Day 1. But bricks and concrete do not make a company, it’s the people who make it so. My Amazon site consisted of an amazing group of individuals whom I came to know and learn from over the course of time. At the forefront was our General Manager and my boss, one who instantly became my work Mom because she cared like a mother and also because I projected all my feelings of missing my Mom on her. When I moved to Canada in 2016 I was a very introverted person who would not make conversations with anyone easily. As a GMA, I spent the first 6 months of my role only conversing with my boss and a handful few HR team members. My sister visited me twice in 2016 and helped me set up my whole apartment and taught me to live as an adult. And after each time she left I cried and cried and cried. 

The first quarter on 2017 was spent in figuring my parent’s first visit to Canada. When May 2017 rolled around, I met my parents in YVR airport and I literally jumped across the rope, ran and threw myself weeping into their arms. It was like breathing clear air after 10 months and all those suppressed emotions came out in a blur of tears and shrieks. Once they spent a couple of weeks with me, I slipped back into my original role of a pampered brat. Like my years in India, my parents ran the house and took care of me. During Fall 2017 my sister visited for a month and all was hunky-dory. For four weeks we touristed our way across Vancouver and at home I lived under the temporary guise of us living as a family of four under the same roof again. The same old silly giggles and squabbles and nostalgia and speaking in Tamizh. It was sheer magic, but short-lived. The day for her to leave soon came and I remember coming back home and crying in bed for the whole day, having dinner and crying/sleeping through the night. One month later my Dad left to India as well. Mom and I spent Christmas together, visited my brother and family and spent as much time clinging to each other. On the work front, with my boss’ persistence, I came out of my self-imposed shell of seclusion. I was actually talking to people to make meaningful connections and by the end of the year I knew I did not want to be a GMA in the long run.

Then an unforgettable 2018 began. In Jan 2018 I interviewed for a new role and failed miserably. But that experience gave me my 2018 goal of getting into Operations as an Area Manager. In Feb 2018 my boss announced she was moving to a different site as the GM. In March 2018, Mom flew back to India. In April 2018 my boss actually moved to the new site. A couple of friends at work left as well. And my world started crashing around me. It actually didn’t but that is how I felt. The joy with which I stepped into work earlier was replaced with sheer dread. I had to divert all my focus into becoming the AM I wanted to. Thankfully there were mentors and leaders around me who trusted me, coached me and gave me valuable mock interview feedback. I went for long walks by myself in the park, woods, near the ocean anything to clear my head. When things got extreme I literally shook myself off and walked away. In October 2018, I began my role as an Area Manager and went through an intense peak. I spent the first Diwali by myself for the first time in 32 year and lit lamps with tears in my eyes, followed by an equally sad Christmas. Towards the end of the year, again more leaders/mentors left work for other opportunities and transferred to other sites. I was so lost, lonely and without the physical presence of the people who I cared about.

The ugly, sad person I had become on the inside leaked out and had its repercussions. I became the uncaring daughter who went for days without texting my family. I became the indifferent friend that never responded to my friends. I became an indifferent manager. When 2019 rolled in, rapid changes were happening at work. More people left, a few people came back (yay!). I wrestled with the idea of moving back permanently to India. I also went back home for a month long visit, where I met up hugged family and friends after 2.5 years. I came back stronger than broken. My favorite ex-boss this time left Amazon on an adventure and moved very far. This time around I refused to break again and I taught myself to stop reacting extremely when the people I cared about moved away. 

In this period of three years, I’ve had three beautiful women fight and kick cancer’s ass. One beloved aunt, one cherished friend/colleague and one amazing teenager. By watching their journeys of their grit and perseverance and praying for their strength I regained my strength. To the Gods who I had shunned for a while, on one sobbing day, I fell before my mandir and I fought to get my faith back. I finally learnt not to repress a feeling. I poured my heart out on paper and wrote poetry. I called a hotline at work and spoke to a therapist. I messaged my ex-boss and told her I missed her. I made plans with friends and in-between laughter and good meals I shared how I was feeling. I told my parents and sister how I truly felt. I visited a manager who had moved from Amazon and played with his toddler. I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts and spent more time reading books. 2019 was also the year of babies. On April 2^nd my beautiful baby niece was born. A team member had a beautiful baby boy mid-year. And in Dec 2019, a dear friend had a gorgeous baby boy. I held these tiny beings in my hands with fear and smiled with them. I visited my brother and family multiple times, played with my niece and read baby books to her. When I went to Toronto for a week long training I took some time off and spent it with my sister and family for a few days. 

“It is in the shelter of each other that people live.” – Irish Proverb.

What has emerged on the other side of this 3-year painful and rough transition is a confident me who laughs for the silliest things despite knowing fully well that life can falter anytime. But if wouldn’t have been possible without my circle of family, friends, colleagues and mentors to whom I am so extremely grateful. And all the Gods for holding onto me even when my faith faltered. I don’t smile anymore to hide an uncomfortable feeling. I do sill cry watching sappy movies,  TV weddings and while reading an emotional novel. But I don’t get sad frequently anymore. But when I do, I pray, text my friend and call home. I choose to go on.